I loves working at the Open Air Theatre in Regent’s Park, don’t you?
Its a nearly 2000 seat amphitheatre right in the middle of Regent’s Park in the Centre of the London and listen lads there’s no roof on this baby. When they say Open Air they really mean it. Sure the back wall of the stage is just a load of trees. What a place though. Easily the most welcoming theatre in London and a great place to see a show whether it be a Shakespeare or a Musical or (as was my case again this year) a kids show. It was the place where I first appeared professionally onstage and I’ll never forget the shock I got as I ran out onto that stage with the rest of the Pirates of Penzance only to be looking straight at a full house and because it wasn’t dark yet you could see every single one of the audience. I nearly messed meself. And the minute we arrived on the stage the audience burst into spontaneous applause ... and we hadn’t done anything yet. They just knew they were in for a good night. This was what it was all about I thought to meself. I don’t know if its ever gotten better than that particular moment. Since then I’ve been back to the Park every year. The following year we went back for a night to do some bits from Pirates for the 70th anniversary concert. The year after (2003) I did the full season there, two Shakespeares and a musical and its that season that I really think turned me career around. It got me the Lion in the Wizard of Oz, it led me to work with Ed Hall in the West End and it got me an Ian Charleson Award nomination. How bad. Last year I cagily came back to play Toad in Wind in the Willows only to find that it was one of the best things I ever did and so I was back again this year reprising the role. All this from the artistic director, Mr. Ian Talbot, seeing me in a tiny little thing in Greenwich and having a chat with me in the bar after. Its been VERY good to me in other words.
‘That’s all deadly’ I hear you shut me up, ‘But there’s no feckin roof man, what if it rains?’
Ah yes. The rain. Well the deal with that is they have a hotline direct to the UK Met Office, no seriously they do, and if it rains, whether before or during the show, they find out if its down for the night or if its just a shower. If its raining before the show they’ll hold the curtain (what curtain????) for about 20 minutes after which they’ll cancel the show and the audience (that have turned up) get a voucher to see any show that season or for the next 10 years (that’s for real as they did have an Australian couple come back 8 years after the show they went to see got cancelled and they got their replacement ticket!). It’s trickier once the show has started though and they will try and keep it going for as long as possible. There was a company manager there once and the way he used to gauge whether to stop a show or not was to stand on the picnic lawn front of house and if the rain was so bad it was dripping off his nose well then he would make the call to stop it. But only then. If the show is stopped during a performance the Deputy Stage Manager announces over the ‘God’ mic; ‘Can the actors please leave the stage.’ Then the audience are asked to move to the cover of the bar area and they wait 20 minutes to see if the show is cancelled or if they can continue.
So you are completely at the mercy of the elements.
How bad you might think, sure that would have to mean a few nights off what with the infamous English summer. Ah yeah but the thing is you still have to turn up at the theatre, do your warm up, get into costume and be absolutely ready to do the show. So its fairly disappointing to be told the show is off when you’re all geared up to do it and if you’re in the middle of a show its worse, its a real anti-climax. And while you might get to the bar earlier and we always joke about wishing we had a show off, we never really mean it. And you’d be surprised how the weather will change in a second. One night of Midsummernight’s Dream (after the best summer since the 70’s so we hadn’t lost a show) It started pelting it down with rain at 7pm and didn’t let up. That was it we thought, no show!! We were so excited as we were all knackered after a gruelling season and two of the lads ran out backstage in their underwear and did a rain dance. The rain promptly stopped at 7.55. They must have done the wrong feckin dance! And sure enough the show went on at 8.15 and we got all the way through it. I mean there was kids sitting on the grass banks in black sacks it was so damp. The audience loved it. Lunatics!!!
Fasting forward to this summer and sure I had just finished the mental month of travelling and I have to say, while just doing one show for two weeks seemed like a holiday, I wouldn’t have said no to a bit of rain and a couple of shows off before I started doubling up again. Famous last words boy. But more on that later. The show had opened well and the start of the second week the reviews had started to come in, and they were mostly good. All good for me thank god but the Independent was particularly good and especially for the director which I was delighted with. She had really endeavoured to move it on from last year rather than just trying to recreate it so she deserved the nice notice. Nice one. That said our cursing badger did not go unnoticed, quoth Charles Spencer;
(Badger) “also inadvertently provided the biggest laugh of the performance when a technical mishap brought forth a very audible cry of "Oh, shit!“ One shudders to imagine what Kenneth Grahame would have made of that, but I .. report that it was undoubtedly the highlight of the show as far as my subversive son was concerned.”
He took it in good humour then, as did everyone else really as there was no complaints this year (unlike last year with the rude suggestion on the toast and the page 3 picnic basket incident. But I’ve promised not to go into that. We Willows people have a well bad reputation!). Not sure about the biggest laugh of the afternoon part, what am I busting me green arse doing so? Ah well, but thankfully the weather was with us and stayed pretty good. For the next week and a half we certainly got through every show and the most we had were a few drizzles, nothing major. Good stuff. And it was going well, the kids were loving it. Although houses were down a bit from last year but I have to say that had a fair bit to do with the terrorist attacks. People were afraid to come into London. Big time. I was sitting in the office at the park one day when a teacher called to try and cancel a block booking of kids. Her reason? She didn’t feel safe bringing the kids into the centre of London at the moment. OK its a justified fear I suppose but a bullshit attitude. If you let this stop you getting on with life then they’ve really won haven’t they? I don’t know, its a no win situation. Shit! Anyway we were getting good coverage in the press, actually we were getting more coverage than we expected. At the end of the second week I saw the funniest thing ever. The chief weasel himself had been out on the gay, as was his wont to do, and he happens upon a free gay listings magazine called QX. Having a look in the back he espies a listing for Wind in the Willows, surely it can’t be our show? It certainly fuckin is;
COMEDY
THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS
The Open Air Theatre
Regent’s Park, NW1
To 27th August
Tel: 0870 060 1811
FABULOUS, irreverent take on the ever-
green, pastoral kiddies’ classic, set in the
open air with vile, lime-green Toad costumes
and a radiant Julian Clary.
Ahhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha!! I was GONE! We were all gone. There’s a million things wrong with that listing and they’re all funny. I mean we were a kids show in a gay magazine!! ‘Irreverent take’? One of the criticisms of the show was that it was too traditional. ‘Vile, lime green Toad costumes’? Alright, the lime green was spot on, but vile? I thought I looked rather fetching! But the best ever was the ‘Radiant Julian Clary’? What the fuck?? I mean, I’m sure I’d know if that fella was in the show for Christ’s sake. The name of the Actor playing Badger was a well known older Shakespearean actor by the name of Julian CURRY! Ahhhhh hahahahaha! Some jeer. That poor fecker was already after swearing in a kids play in front of the national press and now he was being mistaken for the biggest queen in showbiz!!! His wife would not be happy. But sure we kept it as our own little secret, no point in upsetting the poor man. That said it was the source of a fair bit of craic and often was the time when Badger was having a speech and I would lean over to Ratty or Moley and whisper in their ear;
‘Ooooh Mrs. Clary’s minty dear.’
Top notch jeering material! And he hadn’t a clue. Although he does now if he reads this. It kept us going anyway! The only thing that worried me is if we got a load of only gays in the village coming to see the show expecting to see me in green leather. Nope, never gonna happen.
Another good thing about doing the show again this year was that people who didn’t get a chance to see it last year now had no excuse! So some of the lads came, which was cool and even cooler me Mammy and Nanny were coming over to see it. Now its always great to see them, but its also well stressful because I feel responsible for them while they’re staying with me. They came over (with me godson Paul) the 3rd weekend of the show. They were arriving on the Thursday, seeing the show on the Friday and flying back the Saturday evening. That itinerary was carefully worked out by me so there was two chances to see the show, if anything happened on the Friday they still had the possibility of the Saturday morning show. But sure the week had gone without any real weather problems and they arrived on the Thursday to a gorgeous summer’s evening. I brought them on a little sight seeing trip around the London, all the old favourites; Big Ben, the London Eye, Piccadilly Circus, Waterloo Bridge, The Royal national Theatre (they didn’t give a shit about that one) and the balmy evening ended up with meself and Gary and me mother on a session ending with drinking out the back garden till 3 in the morning. Now it was so warm we didn’t even have coats on us out there and I went to bed (or couch at least) safe in the knowledge that we’d definitely have a show the next day.
How wrong can you be.
I woke up to the sound of tap dancing. Aw Jesus that’s not a time step its fucking rain!!! I couldn’t believe it, it was lovely last night, now it was lashing! Ah Christ! This is well cat, but you never know though, like I said the weather can change in a second. 3 hours later I was sitting in me dressing room and it hadn’t changed. Still pissing it down. I was running around the theatre getting the vibe as to whether we were going on or not and the signs were not good. I let the management know that I had family over from Ireland, not that that was going to make a blind bit of difference, and I had a bit of a pray. That didn’t work either. I was sitting half dressed backstage without me face on waiting to hear whether they were going to see it or not, when the company manager came in with more bad news. There was kids in who had won a competition to see the show and get their photos taken with Toad, Ratty and Mole. I was in foul enough humour as it was and in zero mood to have to slap on the green and be nice to kids. I asked her was it ok if I left the make up off and just wore the suit? She was cool under the circumstances. In fairness they waited a full half hour before they finally called off the show. Shit on it anyway. All the boys were well cool saying even though they wanted the show off they really wanted it to happen as I had family in. It was nice of them to lie. So I had to get on the rest of the costume, throw on a smile and head out to these kiddywinks. Actually I put on more than a smile, I ended up putting on the complete face. Sure it wasn’t these kids fault that it was raining and there was no point in me going out there like the grinch and ruining their day even more. Well me Mammy and Nanny and Paul got to see me in full costume at least, so that was something if the show didn’t happen the next day. That was the final hope of course, the next morning. Its always a risk when they come to the Park that the weather would be against them, but this was their third time coming over and it was the first time this happened and sure I’d be devastated if they travelled all the way over and didn’t even get to see the show (thank Christ I’m not from Australia). But that was in the hands of God, so I had a quiet night that night so as not to piss him off and woke up the next day to see a half cloudy sky. Half cloudy!! That’s good enough for me sure. By the time I got to the theatre and was doing the warm up the sun was even trying to peek through. Nice one. The show was sold out that day but I had sorted out getting them onto the directors bench (in fairness if they hadn’t let them in Andy would’ve had another show on as Toad!) and we were on!! Not a sign of a bit of rain. Not the sunniest day but I didn’t care. Also I was shitting meself as I always am when the family are in, but it wasn’t a bad show so how bad. Afterwards I brought them around town for a bit of a shop and then out to the airport with them and the stress was over. It all worked out well in the end thank god. No seriously, thank God. Then I went out and got smashed with the cast and crew in Adam Street so I’m sure God is out with me again.
But now the two weeks grace was over and I was back to doubling up. That Monday was the first day of rehearsals for The Winter’s Tale, the doozy of a job. The big problem was that there was only two weeks rehearsals for the four new boys to go into it. Well two weeks for everyone else but I was still doing Willows so I was only available in the mornings. This was not good. Add to this the fact that like always I had barely looked at the script and had a passing glance at the DVD of the show they sent me and there was a serious disaster possible to happen. I may not make it to Swindon much less Dublin or New York! And how did that first week go? Not too well boy. The first day was grand cos all we did was music in the morning and sure if there’s one thing I’m comfortable with its that. Also I was in good voice from doing Willows so I seemed to make a good impression which is always important on the first day. They all seemed like a great bunch of guys and a few of them had seen Calico and one of them had brought his kids to see Willows the previous year and was well excited when he realised I was Toad (I was later to find out that this was actually the nicest man on the planet, Bob Barrett). All good but the fecking lines were NOT going in. I was still big time in Toad mode. Ed hall wasn’t there himself that week thank god, his assistant Heather was but I know her from Calico and she’s no pushover, and all I could think was that I was making a real fool of meself in front of these guys, I was so under prepared, and I was the new guy with the least to learn. Jesus! On the Thursday I had a day off from Willows so I was looking forward to having a full day doing Winter’s Tale, get me really into the swing of it. They had also sorted out that our interviews at the American embassy to get our work visas was going to happen that morning too and the plan was to go there at 7am to be able to get to rehearsals for 10. Now on the Wednesday we had planned a company curry for Willows but that was ok, I wasn’t going to go mad because of everything I had to do the next day. Then after the show on Wednesday I had to head back down to Winter’s Tale rehearsals to get all my forms for the interview the next day. One of the sheets they gave me was a revised tour schedule. And there was something strange at the end after the final dates in Aberystwyth: Dec. 7th - 12th Guangzhou, China.
So sorry what now?
I asked the company manager Anthony what the craic was and he said;
‘Oh I’m sorry you mustn’t have been here when we confirmed it. We’re going to China.’
NO WAY!! As far as I was concerned the tour finished on the 3rd of December in Aberystwyth, now I find out that its been extended and not to any auld venue .... fuckin CHINA!! Ah sure I had to celebrate then for feck sake. I sped back up to the park and lashed into the whiskey and then lashed into the curry and then lashed into the cheap wine at the theatre bar and finally lashed into more whiskey till all hours in good auld Shutts. I rolled into bed at 4am twisted, knowing I had an interview or something to go to, and rolled out of bed at 9.15am. When I got hold of me watch I didn’t realise I was holding it upside down and was wondering how it was that I’d woken up an hour before I went to bed. Then I saw the clock on me laptop and I went white.
I’d missed me fuckin interview at the embassy.
Aw Jesus!!!!!! The phone rang. Of course it wasn’t the agent;
‘Jamie its Matt Flynn. Where the hell are you? We’ve been and finished and all. What’s up?’
‘Aw Jesus Matt I’ve just woken up! Me alarm never went off.’ ..... (I’d been too drunk to set the bastard!)
‘You stupid dickhead, get over there quick. We’ll let them know at rehearsals.’
Now I felt really stupid and what an impression I was making in this company. I hopped on the tube and rang the company manager who was well cool thank god. I got to the American Embassy after 10 to see the place chocablock with people. There was no hassle with me going in but I’d now have to wait me turn. And wait I did. 4 feckin hours! Not only that but 4 feckin hours with a bitch of a hangover!! Aw man it was a personal hell that I deserved every minute of and I was just praying to god (him again) that everything would be ok with me application and they wouldn’t cop that I was severely shook and not let me into their country. Finally me name was called out and I went to meet this lady who was incased in a booth behind bulletproof glass. That’s good she wont smell the booze and curry so. And she went on to ask me a load of stupid questions which I only made worse when she asked me what I was playing and I told her one of my parts was a woman. I thought I was making a little joke of the fact that I was in an all male production but she looked at me well weird and had to have a chat with her colleague. Finally she came back and said she hoped I would have a nice time in her country.
Sweet.
Jesus I got through it. What was worse than all that of course was having to head to rehearsals then and put up with some serious jeering off the lads. The King of Sicilia proclaimed;
‘I can see your going to be trouble Beamish.’
Vinny knew me well it seems. And that was the end of the first week. Heather had wanted to rehearse that Saturday but thankfully it was called off cos, I mean, I had to party for the end of Willows boy!! And twas a great final show, we were all buzzing, it had been a great run all told. Of course me old enemy the rain reared its wet head about 15 minutes off the end. I was offstage and had a look over to the stage manager and the look on his face said there’s no way we’re stopping the last show for a little drizzle like this. Good man, we wouldn’t have let him stop it anyway. Not a sign. This was the last hurrah. The show wasn’t coming back next year and this could be me last time ever playing Toad. I hope not though. And at the very end was the crowning moment. Just before the last song I had to jump up on a table to begin it. Seeing as it had been raining it was slippy and sure enough I hopped up, slipped and fell on me arse. The green face went red, but the ad libs kicked in;
‘Well it was bound to happen at some stage, I am a slimy toad after all. And now I don’t know what the hell is next.’
Not exactly Monty Python but it lightened the crowd and pulled me out of the pits of embarrassment. And that as they say was that. We said goodbye with shots and more shots in the Volunteer, then a barbecue down in the costume mistresses house (who’s flatmate has a life size Dalek in the living room), then into the West End for a bit of Teatros and back to mine to drink spirits out me back garden. The night ended as the sun came up and me and Moley were throwing stones at empty liquor bottles to try and smash them and Ratty was off his chump weeding the garden. I went to bed then and got two hours sleep, got up, went for a jog, practised cartwheels in the park, went over to the Notting Hill carnival, sobered up at 6pm and went home. NOW the show was over. We had waked it very well. But sure I had no feckin time to mourn it.
I had a show to learn in a week and a world tour to embark on.
And I had no digs sorted whatsoever.
Aw lovely.
